Save Your Marriage Now - Make a Pledge to Give up Controlling Your Spouse
Many times when couples go to counseling one or both of the parties expect to tell all their grievances to the counselor. Sometimes one partner drags the other to counseling with the idea of “straightening her/him out.” They hope to get another person on their side to build up a case.
A quality counselor will refrain from playing judge. A counselor who takes sides will jeopardize the therapeutic alliance. One of the main jobs of a Relationship Coach is to help strengthen the relationship.
If you seriously want to improve your relationship, begin by making this pledge:
I agree that I am responsible for my own behavior. I realize that I have been using external control* in my relationship and this has been creating distance between my partner and me. I know that I cannot change my partner’s behavior (nor is it my job) and I agree to stop using the Deadly Habits (criticizing, blaming, nagging, complaining, threatening, punishing, and rewarding/bribing.).
From this moment forth I will begin an Aware Life. I realize that I will not get it right all of the time and I will strive to eliminate these Deadly Habits from my relationship and my life. When I think of doing or saying something, I will first ask myself, “Is what I’m about to say or do going to create closeness or distance from my partner? Am I willing to risk my relationship by saying or doing this? Is what I want the best thing for my relationship?”
I agree that I will stop trying to control my partner. In fact, I will stop trying to make my partner do anything s/he is unwilling to do. Instead, I will work on my own behavior. I accept that when I control my own behavior and let go of the need to control others, I will begin to create a happier, closer relationship with the people who are most important to me.
Keep this pledge on your refrigerator, in your day planner, under your pillow. Read it daily. If you are serious about keeping this pledge, you will find your relationship improving in ways you never believed possible. As a Relationship Coach, I strive to help couples strengthen their relationship by learning how to use these skills which come from Choice Theory. I have found them to extremely effective in my own life and in the lives of the couples with whom I work.
*External Control Psychology entails the belief that your unhappiness is caused by someone else who has the power to “make” you feel bad. As a result you try to control that person’s behavior so you can feel better. This is part of Choice Theory and is the work of William Glasser, MD.
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Michelle E. Vasquez is a Relationship Coach in San Antonio, Texas. She specializes in helping people attract the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She is available for in office and phone coaching for individuals and couples who want to create more joy in their relationships.