Dating and Relationship tips advices & articles

Here is a letter from someone who is asking the age-old question, which is, “Should I call him?”

I am a 34-year-old single mother of one. I met a man about seven years ago, at a friends wedding. As an usher, he walked his sister down the aisle to her seat. I was floored at how handsome he looked. However, he was married. In Dec ‘06, I saw his sister and she told me that her brother was now divorced and single…he’s 43. His sister told me that she would ask her brother to attend church with her and then introduce us… Well, that happened last weekend in front of his family. I felt awkward and after he gave me his business card and cell phone number, I excused myself. My question is, should I call him? When? How soon? He gave me his number on Saturday.

Should you call him? Absolutely. He wouldn’t have given you his card and cell number if he did not want to hear from you. How soon? Call him as soon as possible. It is amazing how quickly a contact can grow cold—in sales, business, or in the romance department. If he is as attractive as you say, he may be taken before he gets home. However, I do have a rule about calling guys, which is, ONE call only. If he doesn’t call you back, let it go. When a guy doesn’t follow through, it does no good to speculate why. Any number of reasons could prevail, such as, he just saw his ex-wife and he still has feelings for her; he just met someone else; he is not ready to start dating; or, he recently got a dog and it isn’t housebroken yet. You’ll probably never know, and it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you gave it a shot.

Should you call him? Never pass up an opportunity to continue a conversation with someone you are attracted to. What many women do not realize is that most guys are shy and may be afraid to call them. So, there is no harm in making that first call. However, if you press beyond the one call boundary, they may think you are aggressive, or worse, desperate.

Another reason you want to make the call, if he doesn’t do it first, is that men are terrified of “rejection.” I put the word rejection in quotes because no one can reject you unless you take it that way. If someone is not interested in seeing you, forget about it. When you have a strong, empowering perspective, you know immediately that you don’t want to date him either if the feelings aren’t mutual.

It must have been clear to everyone watching that he was interested in you. I can understand why it must have felt awkward. However, meeting someone through friends and family is one of the better ways to meet a “stranger.” You automatically have access to some of his history, personality traits, and family background.

From the sound of your letter, there is a high probability that you will be going out with him. But if you don’t, there will be another attractive someone in your future. The work you might want to think about is what type of requirements you have for a partner. What exactly do you want?

Listen carefully to what your next date talks about, notice how he treats his mother (and his children, if he has any), pay attention to how he relates to your child, and ask why his former relationships broke up. What type of attitude does he carry around? Is he basically a negative or positive person? Does he have a nasty temper? What are his goals for the future and are they in sync with yours? What is his employment record like? These and other important issues take some time to emerge so don’t commit too soon.

The bottom line is this: be selective, discerning, and very smart about dating because a special someone is looking for you too. Go ahead and call him. Maybe he’s the one.

Dating today can be difficult, especially for Christians who want to honor God in the relationships they form. If you are considering joining a Christian dating service online or offline, there are a number of things to think about. There are Christian singles dating services for all denominations including Baptist, Catholic, Lutheran and Methodist.

You can experience Christian romance today more easily than ever in the past with services and sites growing rapidly and as more and more people accept this way of finding the perfect match for whatever needs they have. You may be looking for pen pals, seniors or simply friends.

Keep in mind if you’re looking for orthodox Christian dating services or specialty agencies like Catholic, Chinese, Hispanic or teen dating services - all of these may be harder to find; you are more likely to find these dating services, agencies or networks in large cities like New York City, Chicago, Los Angeles and Seattle, for example, or large cities in Europe. Local churches that have singles groups are a good meeting place and likely a free dating service in a sense at that. Typing in ‘Christian’ when you are setting up a profile on a non-Christian dating service will tell you how many matches or possibilities there are should you decide to sign up at the end of a free trial.

Call the largest Christian churches in the largest city closest to you or your town or city if it’s not a small one and see if they have any singles groups that meet each week; if so, find out the name of the contact person and ask if they can recommend an online or offline Christian dating service. When looking for your life partner give preference to a person whose interests are similar to yours. Many Christians are members of dating services both online and offline that are not specifically Christian dating services.

When you find someone who seems to fit with you enough to meet after emailing a few times, ask to talk on the phone first before you get together offline. Make sure to sign-up for free trials on several websites; most of the dating services will let you see what men, women or teens over 18 are listed but won’t let you correspond with them until you’re a member. It is possible that a large general dating service may have more Christian members than a smaller Christian dating service.

There are just a few general Christian dating services online. Some of them are run by Christians and some are run by non-Christians; this may or may not be important to you.

Christian dating services screen people through their website and are more helpful to single Christians in the long run. Whether you’re looking for a more casual relationship, or something more serious, now is the time to start taking action; check out some websites today. There are many advantages to free online Christian dating services for committed Christians rather than non-Christian services because these sites probably truly understand the needs of single Christians more.

All too often you overhear in conversation that someone—typically a woman—has been accused of being a “gold digger”. Universally, the term carries a negative connotation, and is understood to mean that she who is the subject of such discussion is “in it for the money”.

So why is this concept met with such invective from guys everywhere? That’s a great question, and I’m glad you asked.

I think the hard feelings can be summarized in two basic elements:

1) Women who are just looking for $$$ out of a relationship are considered shallow. Does she not even care about the guy at all?2) Women who are after a megabucks lifestyle courtesy of some guy are quite simply expressing an expectation that most “mere mortal” men can’t satisfy.

The net-net of it all is that men feel frustration and resentment towards women who portray this persona, hence the disdainful moniker of “gold digger” is pronounced upon them.

So lets talk about this. First, what can we learn from this phenomenon?

Well, you know me. We’re all about “chick whispering” around here. If men and women BOTH can understand and relate to what kind of emotions are generated here, we can all benefit from the discussion. So let me go ahead and throw it out on the table. Guys: You know that empty, almost disgusted feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you suspect that the woman you are seeing is only going out with you because you take her to fancy restaurants and buy her expensive gifts? Yeah, well…that’s EXACTLY how a woman feels when she suspects a guy is only interested in her as a sexual conquest.

Did that hit you like a ton of bricks? Maybe so.

But just for the sake of clarification, let’s level the playing field. Ladies: If you are prioritizing material gain in your dating life, you are NO DIFFERENT than the man who is singularly sex-focused.

Think about it. Whether you are a man or a woman, if you are bent on selfish intent you are giving the people you date negative vibes. Typing that last statement, it seemed so obvious a concept to me. Yet, people everywhere have been known to habitually operate as such. Why? Because it works…sometimes. Or it least it would appear that way. The tragedy of it all is that whether you are a man or a woman, selfish manipulation really only succeeds in keeping around DESPERATE people who feel devoid of other options.

What do you know? Once again, people get what they deserve.

The questions then are twofold: If you are acting selfishly, are you really fulfilled by keeping someone desperate around who is merely capitulating to you? Or, if you are getting “used” by MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) on a regular basis, how long are you going to tolerate that, thinking that it’s simply ‘your lot in life’ or something to do so?

How about deserving what you want instead? To do that, you have got to show genuine concern and respect for others…especially people you are dating. The opposite of “shallowness” is “depth”, and “depth”—by definition—can support a greater volume. Your dating life will indeed hold more if you begin to add depth to your relationships.

But let’s not end the conversation so quickly. Is it categorically wrong for a woman to want a man who can provide financially? For that matter, is it wrong for a man to desire sexual fulfillment?

It may or may not surprise you that there are plenty of guys out there with fat bank accounts who are PERFECTLY OKAY with the fact that a woman would be attracted to him, at least in part, specifically because he can provide financially. And given that women tend to have an archetypal disposition towards favoring men who are “providers”, this is not surprising. Given that such men have no guilt or shame tied to being unable to offer such “provision”, it’s all good…as long as the woman brings her portion to the relationship. If she doesn’t have an “entitlement” mentality and is happy to genuinely give her part to the relationship, then many men are in fact PROUD to pay a woman’s way. Ultimately, we ALL like to live the “good life” complete with lots of financial and sexual success, so simply having such desires isn’t bad at all. The caveat here, of course, is that if a man of means remains himself so shallow that he is only about leveraging his wallet for sex (indirectly, we hope), then he shouldn’t kvetch about “gold diggers”.

To be worry free when online dating, below are some guidelines which you could follow:

1. When you decide to have a face to face meeting, make arrangement first. Do not meet at your home as you barely know the person.

2. Always make it a point to meet in public places. Bring a friend along and your online date should not mind if he/she is genuine.

3. If you are having a lunch or dinner in a café or restaurant, you should pay half of the bill. Thus, you are free from obligations that you have to meet the person again.

4. Used your own car if you have one. Do not rely on a date’s car so that you won’t feel that you have to ride with him or her if the date turns awry.

5. Avoid alcoholic drinks during your time together.

6. If you plan to meet your date the second time, evaluate if he or she deserves to know your personal home address. Never give your address when meeting the person the first time.

7. Do not go to secluded and dimly-lit areas at night. Try to stay in crowded places if possible.

8. Listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, then assess it immediately. It may be best that you thank your date and leave as soon as possible. Don’t be afraid to do so.

9. For safety’s sake, tell a friend your date’s contact details and plans for the date and get them to check up on you both during the date and afterwards.

11. Remember: Never give your personal contact information to someone you barely know. They should understand this and agree, at least on your first date.

12. Be alert at all times.

Like traditional dating, online dating has some risks, including safety concerns. To avoid having problems in your online dating, just remember the tips above.

In this modern world, many people find that online dating services has become a popular way of getting more dates than they do in other place. In fact, statistics show that 52% of the Americans say they have a better chance of meeting and dating other people through online dating services than at a single’s bar.

Moreover, according to the Ipsos-Reid Poll, four out of ten people who were interviewed think that it is better to instigate a relationship through an online dating service and that they have a greater chance of success, than those who started in the single’s bar.

Below are a list of reasons why online dating services are fast becoming very popular:

1. Variety of choices

Many people are finding online dating services offer a variety of choices. In fact, there are more singles who are involved in online dating services than most people have thought. Hence, people get to review a lot of profiles before eventually choosing one.

Moreover, most people contend that they find the profiles very useful before they start to date the person.

2. Secrecy

You may remain anonymous for as long as you want to. That is why loading pictures on your profile is not mandatory. You even have complete control on whether or not you want to disclose your e-mail address, age, or any other personal information. Thus, you can freely browse on the different people without being known yourself.

3. Security

Members of online dating services have their personal information secured. You can be assured that no information will be disclosed to other people without your consent.

Moreover, if a certain member of an online dating service should cause trouble, you can immediately request the online dating service to block the person or revoke the membership.

Indeed, online dating services are the modern world’s new way of getting dates and eventually love.

Writing a wedding invitation used to follow a very formal format, but now days it is more of a relaxed process. This having been said, there are still guidelines to follow for writing well received invites for your potential guests. The steps can be broken down into ten areas that will take you no more than a minute of your time to review and you will be on your way to organizing your invites with proper wedding invitation wording.

Step One : Addressing the invite
The people inviting the guests should always be the ones who are paying for the event. More traditionally it is the bride’s parents, but now days it can be the bride and groom or the groom’s parents. Either way, you will write “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” or “John Smith and Judy Hall” at the top of the page. If more than one couple is paying for the wedding, the correct wedding invitation wording would be:
Mr and Mrs James Smith
Together with
Mr and Mrs Malcolm Hall

Step Two: Requesting their presence
If the ceremony is going to be held in a church the wedding invitation wording should be “request the honor of your presence..” However if the ceremony is being held in another location the wedding invitation wording can be “would be delighted for you to attend..” or “would be delighted for you to join us..” You can then add “at / for the celebration of their children’s marriage ceremony”. If the couples themselves are the hosts the wording can be “at the celebration of our marriage”. So a wedding where the bride’s parents and the groom’s parents are paying to hold it in a church would read:
Mr. and Mrs. James Smith
Together with
Mr. and Mrs. Malcolm Hall
Request the honor of your presence
At their children’s marriage ceremony

Step Three: Who is Being Married?
Whichever way you choose to write the first two sections, just be sure the grammar is correct when all the parts come together. You should write next the name of the couple, and the brides name is traditionally the first on the list for wedding invitation wording. It would say “Judy Hall to John Smith”, and the format is flexible.

Step Four: When?
Sticking with tradition, wedding invitations usually spell numbers and time out in full, so 2pm become Two o’clock in the afternoon. Of course, no one worries about such detail now days so it is up to you if you comply.

Step Five: Where?
When the ceremony is somewhere everyone knows about it is not necessary to write the exact address. Otherwise write the name of the location, followed by the address in the same way you would on an envelope.

Step Six: Will there be a Reception?
Don’t presume everyone knows there is a reception afterwards and instead clearly state it at this point on the wedding invitation wording. Explain what will be happening such as “Dinner and dancing at The Bar on The Hill from ten o’clock” or “High Tea at The Fragrant Gardens from 11am”.

Step Seven: Know Who is Attending
Be clear with your RSVP date so you don’t over cater or have higher expectations for more guests. The best idea is to include a section or card they can fill out and mail back to you, but also include a phone number for those who prefer to call. It can be disappointing forking out money for people who don’t show up, and empty seats don’t look great in photos either, so if you have to ring around to follow up on some people it is probably a good idea.

Step Eight: Provide Directions
Along with the RSVP cards you should also include clear directions or a small map for people to follow. This will prevent people being late because they have trouble finding the venue.

Step Nine: Dress Code
Let people know how you are expecting them to dress to avoid any discomfort. If your beach is at the wedding but you still want black tie, say so. The wedding invitation wording could be “Formal Dress” or “Cocktail Dress”.

Step Ten: The Envelope
It is a nice touch to include the names of every guest in the household on the envelope and RSVP card. That way everyone will feel included and know they rightfully have a place their as someone you care about.

Follow these simple steps, but remember no one is overly particular about wedding invitation wording now days, so you do have some room for creativity or a personal touch. More important than formalities is for you to be happy and proud of the first notification guests receive of your wedding.

Many times when couples go to counseling one or both of the parties expect to tell all their grievances to the counselor. Sometimes one partner drags the other to counseling with the idea of “straightening her/him out.” They hope to get another person on their side to build up a case.

A quality counselor will refrain from playing judge. A counselor who takes sides will jeopardize the therapeutic alliance. One of the main jobs of a Relationship Coach is to help strengthen the relationship.

If you seriously want to improve your relationship, begin by making this pledge:

I agree that I am responsible for my own behavior. I realize that I have been using external control* in my relationship and this has been creating distance between my partner and me. I know that I cannot change my partner’s behavior (nor is it my job) and I agree to stop using the Deadly Habits (criticizing, blaming, nagging, complaining, threatening, punishing, and rewarding/bribing.).

From this moment forth I will begin an Aware Life. I realize that I will not get it right all of the time and I will strive to eliminate these Deadly Habits from my relationship and my life. When I think of doing or saying something, I will first ask myself, “Is what I’m about to say or do going to create closeness or distance from my partner? Am I willing to risk my relationship by saying or doing this? Is what I want the best thing for my relationship?”

I agree that I will stop trying to control my partner. In fact, I will stop trying to make my partner do anything s/he is unwilling to do. Instead, I will work on my own behavior. I accept that when I control my own behavior and let go of the need to control others, I will begin to create a happier, closer relationship with the people who are most important to me.

Keep this pledge on your refrigerator, in your day planner, under your pillow. Read it daily. If you are serious about keeping this pledge, you will find your relationship improving in ways you never believed possible. As a Relationship Coach, I strive to help couples strengthen their relationship by learning how to use these skills which come from Choice Theory. I have found them to extremely effective in my own life and in the lives of the couples with whom I work.

*External Control Psychology entails the belief that your unhappiness is caused by someone else who has the power to “make” you feel bad. As a result you try to control that person’s behavior so you can feel better. This is part of Choice Theory and is the work of William Glasser, MD.

For more tips and tools for attracting love and prosperity into your life, visit http://www.michellevasquez.com

For weekly tips and tools sign up for Michelle’s free newsletter, Relationship Success, while you’re there. You can also visit http://languageofrelating.blogspot.com and http://powerofgratitude.blogspot.com

Michelle E. Vasquez is a Relationship Coach in San Antonio, Texas. She specializes in helping people attract the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She is available for in office and phone coaching for individuals and couples who want to create more joy in their relationships.

To most women, the thought of a proposal is sweet and magical, the stuff of storybooks. But believe me when I tell you this ladies, to your guy, the whole experience—from asking your parents, to buying the ring, to the actual moment—is one nerve-wracking, teeth-chattering, bone-chilling experience.

Why does proposing have this effect on guys? To begin with, they don’t want to mess it up. “I knew the importance of the moment,” says Mike, 26, who proposed on the beach at sunset, though he was so nervous he forgot all the romantic things he planned to say.

“It’s a story she’s going to tell other people, so it has got to be halfway decent,” says Sean, 31, who’s planning a proposal.

The Ring
No matter how much coaching a future fiancée receives, most guys don’t know anything about jewelry and jewelers often work these poor bastards like used car salesmen trying to unload a lemon. As it is, looking for rings is intimidating, but add the thought of what the ring represents and a man in a jewelry store starts looking like a stripper at the Queen of England’s weekend brunch: He just doesn’t belong.

When Charles first went looking for a ring, the jeweler said he understood how Charles was feeling. “You feel like you’re losing your manhood,” the jeweler told him. Sure enough, the guy hit a nerve, and Charles didn’t look again for five months.

Then there’s the cost of the actual ring and what has become an unreasonable social norm that a man is expected to spend two or three months of his salary on the thing. I am not alone when I ask, who came up with this crap?

But a man doesn’t want to be cheap, because: A. He wants to make his future wife happy; and, sometimes more importantly, B. Everyone is going to be looking at that ring and judging him on it. “It’s like checking out the size of your manhood,” Mike says.

The Permission
If a man wants to be traditional, asking permission of the parents is another stressful hoop to jump through. Considering that you’re asking to take away their little girl, this conversation can be almost as heavy as the proposal itself. (When I, your humble author, asked my fiancée’s dad for permission, we were both drunk—which helped take the edge off.)

The Moment
Besides the need to make it special for you and the rest of the world that will hear about it, another thing that makes proposing stressful is the thought that the woman might say no. Sure, it’s 99 percent certain she’ll give the right answer, but a man never knows if she’ll change her mind in the moment when the reality of actually marrying his sorry ass hits her. “That one percent chance counts,” says Steve, 31, who planned an elaborate proposal evening including a limo, dinner and special stop at a romantic spot to help make it an offer his now-wife couldn’t refuse.

The Question
One other teeny tiny thing that weighs heavily on a guy’s mind is a little question: Am I ready? It’s a question that every man has to ask himself, and one that only he can answer.

Bottom line, being engaged and then married means saying goodbye to adolescence. It means saying goodbye to bachelor pads, dirty laundry on the floor and dishes piled high in the sink. “It’s adulthood,” says Sean, “It’s a big deal.”

I always felt I would meet someone, fall madly in love and ask her to marry me. But it was just this vague idea—something that would happen one day in the far off future.

That far-off future is now. I get married this summer.

John Crawford is a freelance writer, and a friend to women, based in Philadelphia.

This article was originally published on http://www.savvymiss.com, a free website community dedicated to connecting, empowering and informing women everywhere. SavvyMiss.com features articles on dating, love, careers, fashion, health, beauty and important societal issues. Members also use message boards and blogs to build relationships with other members.

Commitment phobia is rooted in fear — fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. Most especially, commitment phobia is the fear and avoidance of having to commit to anything, but especially relationships. And like the proverb, it’s a double edged sword: on the one hand you avoid obligations, ties, and commitments yet at the same time the commitment phobic may secretly crave the lives of those who committed and the growth that those roots produced.

Commitment phobics are the women who say, “All men are jerks,” or the men who claim, “Women are only out to get my money” – rationalisations to justify avoiding a committed relationship.

Men are generally considered more commitment-phobic than women, but recent research suggests that this might be a case of stereotyping, and that it is not necessarily a gender-specific thing.

Intimacy

However, most commitment phobic men and women truly yearn for a deep and intimate relationship leading toward marriage, but fright causes them to butcher every dating opportunity they may get. Sex outside of marriage, or promiscuous behaviour fosters a false sense of intimacy, which feels really good at the time, but is only a fabrication based on how we think we should feel when we are having sex. It is the substitution of “instant gratification” at the expense of deep, lasting satisfying soul-love.

Relationships

In romantic relationships, the paradox is that the commitment phobic craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. When we speak of commitment phobia among singles, we are referring to folks who avoid committing to long term relationships such as marriage. Previous abusive relationships, intimacy issues or traumatic childhood experiences could be causes for this kind of commitment avoidance. Another possibility is that the child might have witnessed, or been a victim of, poor role models, or even abusive relationships during those formative years. Not surprisingly, this can (consciously or unconsciously) colour the way they feel and take part in relationships as an adult, too.

Statistics show that we are happier and more well-adjusted when we are in committed relationships. According to psychologists, the commitment phobes behave like this because they suffer from certain beliefs about relationships. Rather than being harmful, commitment-phobia is a healthy fear that will prevent you from jumping into new relationships before you are ready. At this point you may form temporary friendships and love relationships in order to “get your feet wet” again.

Rather than being harmful, commitment phobia may be seen as a healthy fear that will prevent you from jumping into new relationships before you are ready. Struggling against the fear of commitment often pays off because being able to share your life with someone you really care for can be wonderful.

Meanwhile, think on this: “Commitment phobia has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own.”

Whilst there are many therapies and even medications out there that may or may not be helpful, ultimately the answers lie, as always, in yourself. Knowing which buttons to press is not always obvious, however. To that end, you may like to look at my self help book “How To Love Again When Your Heart’s Been Broken.” See the resource box for details. Trevor Emdon is a self improvement author and workshop leader based in the UK. He was a senior mental health practitioner in Britain’s National Health Service for many years, and now devotes his time to writing and teaching personal development. To sign up for his free self improvement newsletter, visit http://www.wizardofwisdom.com. You can download “How To Love Again When Your Heart’s Been Broken” today from in-love-again.com

Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage – or so the song goes. But these days it seems marriage ends up being a draining experience both financially and emotionally. I bet Paul McCartney regrets the day he ever went down on one knee…and asked Heather Mills to marry him. Even with the religious element being largely ignored now, churches still host large and lavish weddings, full of sobbing mothers, proud fathers and, to quote Philip Larkin “uncles shouting smut”. Followed later by the embarrassing best man’s speech, which usually proves him to be anything but, and then finished up with a rather lame disco. Is this what marriage has become?

And now even the pre-wedding is a potential minefield of badly chosen words and legal traps. Pre-nuptials are the preserve of the Hollywood elite – just ask Catherine Zeta-Jones (if you really can ask her then say hi from me) – but perhaps they could become another, admittedly less romantic, tradition amongst us “normal” people. You never can legislate for the future – you don’t expect to have a car crash but you take out insurance anyway, so why not for a marriage? This report suggests it is already becoming standard practice. But it does seem rather loveless.

In these cynical days perhaps standing up in front of all your friends and family and declaring an undying love is one of the few remnants of a noble and chivalrous notion of love that remains untouched and untainted, even by celebrities. And while men wouldn’t openly admit it, most would probably acknowledge the idea of being chivalrous is still something which retains a true sense of masculinity in these metro-sexual times.

Oh and you usually get hot bridesmaids at a wedding too…

By Paul Bowers, I write for Mio Destino and for it’s blog site MioBlog writing articles of interest to their international clients. The company sells high end, designer lingerie, swimwear, corsets, pyjamas and mens underwear predominantly from Italy and France but also from the US, Canada and other parts od Europe.